A Werewolf Blog in Brooklyn

Almost conversation | June 29, 2009

I’m still kind of freaked out about the “almost conversation “ I had with Aimee the other day.

I was going to get a hold of my sister to see if she could maybe come up with some idea for how I should handle it.

We’ve been raised to be strong, smart and well, I think guarded is how I’d describe it. I mean, we’ve never been told not to be ourselves. But we’ve always been told to respect others and accept certainties.

People often fear what they don’t know or can’t understand.

People hurt easily, and not always just from physical hits to them.

People are fragile, whilst not everyone shows this, it doesn’t  always take much to crack emotional barriers. You just have to recognise that you’ve done it, that’s the part that usually stuffs people up.

I was hanging out at home, wondering how I’m going to handle this situation, when end up talking to my brother Joss. He’s telling me about some drama in his social life and I find myself re-telling him about Aimee’s remarks at me.

Joss is the baby of the family, so maybe the parenting’s been a little different for him, than it was with the rest  of us kids, Aksel, Bodil, Markus and me.  Because Joss doesn’t have a sense of responsibility, or of caution. He’s living is life out loud and in a secure, environment and community in Brooklyn. He’s never tried to hide any part of himself but then again, I’ve never seen him confronted about it either. I mean, this was I guess you could say, my first confrontation. Normally I wouldn’t take advice off of him. He’s twenty-one and knows nothing much of the world at large, so he’s hardly an authority on anything.

But he said something that made sense.

There’s no point living your life in fear.

There’s no point living your life to other people’s expectations on you.

Because then it’s not your life.

True enough.

But how do you tell someone you care about, something that is bound to upset them and possibly make them, want to cut all ties with you?

I’ve known Aimee for five years.

I’ve told her bits about my family, but not everything.  I mean how do you explain such a big thing, that’s always been a part of your life, of who you are, when the whole idea of it seems to unreal to fathom?

Granted, some people know.  Especially those living in pack areas.  But it’s not  wildly accepted.  We don’t exactly mainstream it. Because there are still people who persecute our kind.

I somehow thought I wouldn’t need to tell Aimee. That we could be best friends and I could just be in control of this part of my life without needing to do more about it. I mean, if I don’t want to talk about it, to tell her about it, then that’s my right. It’s not because I don’t trust her. It’s more a case of I’m scared she will just not see me for me anymore. And suddenly she’ll hate me and I’ll loose a really great friend.

Joss said I had to have faith in friendship.

You choose these people, make connections with them, wether they’re non-’s or not, for a reason.  Because there’s a strength in connection between us.  He thinks the worst thing I could do, is carry on, even longer, without talking the whole thing through with her.

I’ve never had a reason to not believe the best in her. But like I said, something’s scare people, even if it is about those they know.  I’ve never had reason to believe anything bad would come to me, but still, there is a pit of fear you have to overcome or just come to accept is going to rule you.

I’m unusual in my family.

I guess I thought, I could seek this life outside of what was presented to me as what the others had to have.

I wanted friends other than Conall’s, I made them against others advice to get so involved with them.

I wanted to date nons even though it was looked down upon by those closest to me.

Maybe part of me, thought that somehow it would all just change if it worked out. If I could be normal.

Of course I seemed to have ignored the fact, that from the day of my birth, and subsequent, abandonment, that  I’ve never really had a normal life.


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