A Werewolf Blog in Brooklyn

Shatter | March 17, 2012

The shape shift breaks me. My bones snap and shatter . I howl in agony, my voice straining between my clenching teeth. It’s hard to tell if I sound like a wounded animal or a woman screaming with every ounce of what is left in her.

My jaw is aching, my muscles are pounding and blood is surging in me. I try to remind myself, that the pain is temporary, it will leave me when the shape shift is complete.

The werewolf in me is pulsating under the surface of my skin, rushing me to get out. I have no control over this. Pain assails me roughly and without regard for my human self. I don’t fully understand it yet either. It’s been four months since I first shape shifted.

This hasn’t gotten any better or any easier than the first time. It’s just as bad, as hard to fathom as hard to get through the pain as it was then. Just like then, I’m alone. Only this time, I had a say in whether I got to be alone or not.

Not that it helps the shape shift become any smoother for me. It is the night of the full moon tonight and all werewolves in Brooklyn are shape shifting. All except the immature pups. My muscles spasm. They strain, they pull and pull until they almost snap. Then the tearing begins, fibre from sinew and sinew from bone.

There is so much agony that comes from this. And I endure it all. I’m not really sure how. I just know I am. My heart pushes up through my breast plate, straining to bend my ribs before pulling them inwards on me again. I’m waiting for them to pierce my internal organs. While my temperature bakes me from the inside out.

Then there is the thrashing, whilst all this internal conflict is going on inside , I move, I thrash, spasm and have a fit. But I’m conscious of the fit, I’m aware, my eyes are open and my mouth is gaping while spittle drools out of the corner. My throat is parched. It aches like skin that is too dry and splitting.

I never knew the human body could endure so much. I never thought I would have to. I really didn’t know what to expect when it came to shape shifting. But I’m fairly certain it wasn’t this.

I don’t think any other werewolves go through as much pain. When I would ask my siblings, prior to my shape shift, what it was like, they made it seem like it would be child’s play.

I thought it would be more like I collapse down on bended knee and have some intense cramps. Then somehow I’d double over and change. Transform. Shift. Become one with my baser nature. To evolve into my werewolf self. Not that I could change anything if I wanted to. This was always going to happen. I would have eventually had to shape shift.

Maybe it’s only this horrific because I’m new to it. Maybe it’s always going to be this horrific because those lycans attacked me on and brought on my first shape shift. Maybe that has affected it.

The air strums with the tension of the moonlight through it. It seeps into my pores and feels like a heart starter fuelling adrenaline. It keeps my mind awake and thinking. Ever so aware to every single breakage in me.

I hope for completion but I fear rides me that will never happen. My anxiety has not lessened each time I’ve gone through this.

I should not be anxious to be in this state.

I should not fear myself, my true self.

The werewolf within me.

***

To read more from Perception go to: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/133976

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