A Werewolf Blog in Brooklyn

Welcome to my life

July 29, 2009
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You know it gets tricky when you’re censored on certain bits of information and you can only speak about half of the stuff you’d really like to explain.

 

Welcome to my life.

Life in the Breukelen Pack. Pack’s have structure, guidance, rules to govern behavior by.  And of course with those processes in place, there is punishment for disobedience and disregard of them.

In New York City, it’s not a complete secret, just not publicly, widely acknowledged in the open, that there are five wolf packs. I come from the Breukelen, in Brooklyn, the third biggest of the five.  

In having Aimee find out….about…me, us, them…all of it, it means I need to explain some things to her. It means she has questions and curiosities that she wants to know about and possibly a thing or two, that she needs to know about the whole sitch.

So what do I tell her? After all, I want to be honest, but I don’t want to freak her out any further.

After all, my first answer to her reaction upon finding out that I can dislocate my jaw and grow fur, was not a warm and fuzzy one. I said it was about self preservation and I wasn’t lying.  All wolves, when pushed or threatened immediately have a response to defend ourselves, to go on the attack rather than be attacked. It’s highly instinctual and very much a part of being a werewolf. When you have to carry a secret that your life depends on in some way, you will do what you must to be able to live your life, as freely as possible.

Of course, what you consider freedom, might vary to other opinions. Hence why there are “Lone Wolves”.

What’s a lone wolf?

Okay, that one I can answer.

Pretty much what it sounds like, a single wolf without a pack. Who does not live in a pack structured environment and therefore has no regard for rules or regulations. They do as they please, when they please, however they please.  Lone wolves can very much upset the carefully crafted balance of a pack structure. It’s why they’re not encouraged. Why they’re looked down upon by were-wolves. 

So what am I allowed to tell her about this new world she’s only just opened her eyes to?

Only certain bits, the bits that my Alpha and father has approved for me to speak of.  So I have to start my next conversation piece with Aimee saying, please understand I don’t want to be dishonest with you, but I can’t tell you everything there is to know about my life. I just can’t.

Yeah, that’ll go down well, right.  Isn’t that as bad as lying? Like why bother saying anything if she’s still not going to have enough information to satisfy things between us?

Well, I guess it comes back to, this isn’t really about her, it’s about me.

Self preservation.

So does knowing or not knowing all this stuff about me, affect where I stand in her life?

Why would it?

Yes, I have questions of my own too.  Ah, let the head tripping commence.

Like I said, welcome to my life.

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Shorty

July 28, 2009
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Turns out, while I’ve been avoiding having this talk with her, that Aimee’s curiosity has gotten the better of her.

She went all detective on me and she started asking around, making enquiries.

It was simple really, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it.

She just started off where we left off. She started with The Reflex. She just asked a few questions about that night. Staff there just told her what they tell everyone who enquires. For a certain week of the month, lunar week, the club has a strict membership only policy. That’s they’re standard line. I’ve heard it before.

What they wouldn’t have told her is the membership is designed for wolves to be able to come out and play, and keep everything under control without hurting anyone.  Of course there are a select few humans allowed around, but they have to be guests vouched for by at least two wolves. They become the wolves responsibility in the club.

All she had to hear was the word “Lunar” and she made the connection easily enough.

“So you’re a Lycan?” She asked me outright, without blinking or taking her eyes off my face.

My less than stellar response “Uh, we just call ourselves were-wolf’s.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

How do I answer that one? It’s a damn good question.

“Self preservation.” I said the words before I even realized I said it.

“You mean, you didn’t trust me enough, to tell me this important thing about you.” Aimee fired back angrily.

No.

“We’ve been friends for five years . Five years! I would have thought you’d have figured out, I could be trusted. Have I ever done anything for you to not trust me?”

No.

“To think I would ever deliberately hurt you?”

No.

“Do you find such little value in our friendship that you can’t share this with me, when I tell you everything about my life?”

No.

“Where you ever going to tell me?”

No.

Suddenly I’m realizing something I didn’t think of before, this really isn’t about Breukelen Girl werewolf, freak.  It’s about her and who I am, to her.  Does this rock the foundations of some image of me she’s built up in her head? I think it does.  We sat in awkward silence for a good three minutes. Which stretched out, felt like forever in a room of tension. Till I broke it.

“If the situation were reversed what would you have done?”

Her face went pink.  Her mouth tightened.

Yeah, I thought the same.

“I’m hurt that you kept this from me.”

“Why? It’s not like I go around telling everyone I’m friends with, hey once a month I turn into a howling fur ball because I have no say in the matter. So don’t hunt down any wild stray dogs, it might be me in disguise.

“That’s so not the point.”

“Then what is?” I yelled at her, not realizing I’d raised my voice until she kind of looked at me with surprise. I’ve never been the loose your temper type of person.  But if you’re going to be under attack for being who you are, you may as well get to the heart of the problem and roaring at someone kind of gets there faster.

“Does this change who I am?”

No!

“Strawberry ice-cream with real strawberries is still my favorite, I still enjoy listening to punk-rock music, watching bad reality TV shows, and I’m still sleeping with Conall, I still have no car, I still live at home with my parents, and I’m still only five foot eight inches tall.”

She cranked an eyebrow up at me.

Just the one.

“So it doesn’t give you any special powers to speak of?”

“Well  there are benefits. Heightened hearing, night vision, accurate sense of smell, tracking abilities, speed, accelerated healing for health problems.  Fast metabolism, Higher immunity to most health problems…it varies from wolf to wolf, depending on whether you’re a beta or an Alpha, pack lines your come from, that kind of thing… same as with human races, really…”

“But you’re still only five foot eight?”

I stared at her. Hard.

“That’s what you got out of all that?”

She was starting to smile.

I let out a heavy breath and felt some tension leave my body. Shook my head as I tried to hide a laugh.  I was holding onto reservation about feeling like things were going to be good between us.

“Say it. Say the thing.”

“What?”

She was smirking at me. Totally diffusing my try hard build up of defensive anger.

Aimee’s five foot nine and there’s this thing she always says to rile me up, when we’re comparing body issues and the like.

“Okay, being tall is everything.”

Big smug smile at me.

“Are we good here? Considering your height challenging statement’s authority on matters of everything?” I asked.

“Yeah, Shorty, we’re  good.”


My version of being tough

July 27, 2009
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You know there were a few things going through my mind when I was rocking up to Aimee’s place to talk to her.

The look on the Alpha’s face when I told him she knew because she had seen me, after a shift, yet I don’t know if she saw me shift.

Sayings, about how to pep myself up, get some false courage.

But mostly I was thinking “here we go again.” this is spring break 1997 all over again. Wait for the disgust, the revulsion.  Whatever you do, don’t break the hell down.

No tears in front of her, NO MATTER WHAT!

In fact, if she starts going on about monsters, than give her a god damn monster to be frightened of! – my version of being tough.

Better than crying, surely?

Turns out I didn’t really have to worry about any of that stuff after all.

I didn’t even get to into my well rehearsed prepared speech for her.

Aimee did it for me.

I’m still in a bit of shock.


Rock Hard Place

July 26, 2009
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There are hard talks you have to have sometimes in life.

Like “Where did I come from?”

“We have to let you go”

“Why does she have two daddies and no mummy?”,

“You have to admit you have a problem first”

and “There’s something I need to tell you.”

 My talk to Aimee falls in-between Where did I come from and there’s something I need to tell you.

 Rock, hard place, jam me in it.

 So I’ve been thinking about what to say, how to say it to her:

“You know the saying, I’d rather go naked than wear fur, well for me..” – no, shouldn’t try to make a joke of it. After all, she’s probably freaked out enough as it is.

 “You know that song, were-wolves of …no, how about Hungry like the wolf?” – See above comments and the word WRONG.

 “Aimee, once a month..” – No, already sounding incredibly wrong

 “Aimee, I’ve always been different to others,” – Stupid.

 “Aimee, I never meant to hold out on you and not tell you,”- No, admits far to much guilt in being a deceiving friend.  Try not to point the obvious flaws for her to get angry about out to her.

 “Why don’t you  ask me something first?” – total cop out. Whimp!

 “Aimee, there are some things is this word, you just can’t control.”- too defensive.

 “Aimee, in life, there are some things we just don’t understand.”- uh, no!

 “Aimee, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner..” – guilty, guilty, guilty.

  “Aimee, there’s something you need to know about me,” – well duh, that’s obvious.

 “Aimee, I’m a…”-

blurting things out, shock to the system but it’s honest.

 Could work.

 I just need to centre myself, get some steel in my spine, take some deep breaths,

and get it over with already.


Burger Blues

June 28, 2009
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Caught up with Aimee, we ended up going to the Pit Stop for burgers. Got my usual monthly burger craving happening. I may possibly end up doing a hamburger tour of New York one day.

Lol.

Lunch wasn’t quite what I expected it to be. Aimee kind of uh, surprised me I guess you could say.  We settled in and ordered our food plus milkshakes, cause what’s the point to a burger without a shake?

And we’re talking about the usual types of things, girls gossip about. Boys, clothes, going out, all that kind of stuff.

When Aimee comes out with a doozy.

She says to me “So uh, are you gonna go all hide and go seek on us again soon?” and I’m all like “What are you talking about Aimee?”

And she’s says “You know, I kind of noticed something about you.  Every now and then you kind of do this thing where you go off us or something. You get distant..”

She means I pull back on contact with our group of friends she’s from.  She’s just started to notice it, because I’m displaying the usual signs of doing it again.

Displaying, what the fuck?!?!

This is the problem with having different groups of friends, right here. You know you can be whoever you want to be to them, but usually it’s only representative of how you are, around them.  I’m different when I’m with Conall and other Breukelen.  And I’m completely different and normal as it were, around Aimee and those guys from College.

But I never really thought anyone would think twice about it.

Least of all Aimee.  I mean, I’m barely aware of how I am with each group.  It’s just you know, how you end up being whatever personality suits and works for you.

So I figure, just play dumb right; best defence is denial if it’s really needed.  If I don’t want something to exist then all I have to do is deny it.

Rules of being your own person.

Because let’s face it, I don’t want to lie to my friends. Ever.

But if she’s going where I fear she’s going with this conversation, then lying is suddenly becoming an option I may have to use.  For various reasons. Like, oh you know, believability, freedom to be me, trust, friendship, safety, survival.

The usual bullshit reasons people lie.

She says “I dunno, it’s kind of like you just uh, become a little cold with us.  Suddenly it’s only the occasional text messages or email  What’s up with that?”

By this point in time, I’m thinking, she’s far too cluey. This is definitely going into territory I am not ready to address with her.

So I’m all like, “What are you on about ? I’m here having lunch with you aren’t I?”  Smile at her, and kind of give her the, your-crazy-lady look.

But she says “ Okay, you don’t want to talk about it, we won’t. For now.”

And I’m thinking for now?

What the hell does she think is going on with me? Drugs?

All I can think is, I have to say something.  Because if I don’t then it’s kind of like my silence is admitting something or confirming some secret suspicion of hers.  Like maybe she will think I’m off doing drug running or whatever she thinks it is I do during lunar weeks.

So I have to say something right.? My friend is trying to call me out, on something.

“What’s to talk about? I don’t understand the question.”

She just nodded her head and we ate the rest of our burgers in silence.

I kind of hoped I would never would to have the conversation Aimee’s angling at with my college friends. Now I think, I need to start figuring out that conversation.

Because maybe it’s going to happen, sooner rather than never.


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